I went to school for it, I moved to LA for it. I've barely done any of it since graduating and as the months rolled by I was finding it really difficult even to make the requisite clicks to submit to places on casting websites.
"Why do I care so much about acting?" I asked myself every time I hit that glowing red "submit" button on Actors Access.
After a couple dozen auditions in the months since graduating without much luck, I decided to accept a role for a student film. I figured why not - the role looked interesting, it payed, and hey - I'd only be sacrificing a weekend of my time. Why not, let's go.
In the weeks leading up to the film, I was really questioning whether or not I wanted to continue acting. Did I really love it enough to put in the effort of scraping by until maybe one day I wouldn't need to work at other jobs? I was starting to think the answer was no.
And then I went to set and I thought to myself: "Fuck."
Not because it felt like a chore getting into costume and makeup and plunking away at a ratty guitar and flying in and out of set all day long for those few precious minutes where I would "do my thing" on camera. No.
The expletive was because I realized that goddammit, I really do love acting and being on set. Even a weekend of doing a student film left me feeling re-energized about pursuing that career. Suddenly, in the week and a half or so since, I've been more rigorous about applying and auditioning and following up for acting related gigs.
And goddammit, because I'm being drawn back into the abyss.
Breaking into THE INDUSTRY is rough, and it would be so much easier if I just never had to deal with it. But nooooooooooooooooooo I like that whole acting thing so I guess I'm going to have to commit to working my ass off so I can maybe one day start doing it at a more professional level.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck Fuck. Shit. Dammit. Damn shit cocksucking tits.
Acting, one day you and I are going to have words. 'Cause I'm pretty sure you and I are locked in an abusive relationship and that's just not healthy.
But for now... you've won this round. I've been ignoring your sweet sweet words for too long and now, when I'm at my weakest, those words sound the sweetest.
Damn you, acting. Why do you have to make me feel so good?
I wish I could quit you.
You elusive little skank.