Coming to you from News-station WWSS, we have a reporter on the scene with the victims of the recent tragedy. Over to you, Molly.
Thank you, John. As you can see behind me, there are scores of people clutching their heads, distressed and in pain. Their lives will never be normal again.
From them, we have gotten the picture of a Serial Bopper. All victims claim to have been attacked by a bearded man in a commedia dell'arte mask. He is described as to have been wielding a meat tenderizer and went around "bopping people on the noggin" seemingly at random.
That's horrible, Molly.
I know, John.
We now go to some of the victims of the Serial Bopper who have decided to speak out about their trauma.
I didn't... I didn't even see him… I was… sorry, sorry… no, I can speak about this. I can do it. I was walking with my boyfriend, just talking about the pigeons that had jumped in our path when suddenly… this man he - he came up from behind us and… HE BOPPED MY NOGGIN... and my boyfriend, he was… he was so scared, he just froze. I don't blame him, I don't… I don't blame him...
I've always believed myself to be a strong, manly sort of man. But now, after what that… deviant did to me… I'm really starting to question myself. It's really, uh, shaken me. To my core. You just never know what it's gonna be like when something like this happens and it makes you wonder, you know. Just makes you wonder.
He bopped my child… oh Bradley… oh Bradley...
I'll kill the mo-[bleep]-er!
All we can do is pray for God to deliver us from fear of this man and for those who have had their noggins bopped.
THIS JUST IN - Police have tracked the Serial Bopper back to his home, I repeat they have tracked the Bopper back to his home! We go now live to the scene where the police have set up a barricade.
Well, we found him when he made a fatal flaw; he left a trail of bopped citizen noggins all the way back to his sad little shack. I mean look at it. It is so sad. He must have no life. Anyone would become a monster living in that place. I mean, the garden isn't even trimmed!
It appears as though the Serial Bopper has come out of his shack! I repeat, he has come out of his shack! MY GOD, HE'S WIELDING A MEAT TENDERIZER I FEAR FOR THE LIVES OF OUR LAW ENFORCEMENT MEN AND WOMEN
He's broken the perimeter… he's bopping them MY GOD HE'S BOPPING THEM, THE SICK, SICK MAN! If you have children in the room with you, tell them to avert their eyes! Avert yours too, this is horrible, too horrible, oh god, I'm going to barf!
He's done it… he's bopped them all… my god… my god… the horror... Ladies and gentlemen this is a sad day for justice.
Wait, there is a lone officer left… she's dropped her taser, what is she -
Ladies and gentlemen, she has produced a meat tenderizer! I am not one to condone such violence, but to stop this wretched man...
They're fighting! Tenderizers clashing and striking each other in the air… oh, she's got his shoulder… he got her shin! Neither one of them are going down; they need to get the critical bop on the noggin! And...
She's done it! The officer has bopped the Serial Bopper on the noggin! We are saved everyone, we are saved!
Of course, this is an incomplete victory. While evil has been stopped today, it will not fix the lives of those that have been altered forever by his horrific deeds.
And now, sports.