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Hope you Guess my Soulja Boy

DeeJay K00lKaTt was, as he like to refer to himself, an "old-school DJ." This meant he was a DJ with certain snobby pretensions i.e. refusing to use a digital mixer or turntable and opting instead for a good old (1990's) analog turntable with actual vinyl.

He played a lot of hipster events.

DeeJay K00lKaTt was at some bar in Portland, Oregon - he couldn't remember the name of the place, but they were willing to pay him for his services and the bar had a lot of retro arcade games scattered about, so it was good enough for him.

He was prepared to blow the audience away with a sick new mashup he'd come up with. First, he presented his audience (read: hipsters sipping expensive beer at their tables and doing their best not to look his way) with a Rolling Stones classics record. He did so with a flourish, and in a practiced bit of acrobatics, he tilted the sleeve, letting the record fall. Before it could hit the turntable, he caught it by deftly wedging his pinky finger through the center.

That display elicited a few grudging claps from the crowd. Sick night, thought K00lKaTt. He'd broken a lot of Vannila Ice records to perfect that trick.

Still holding the Stones record on his pinky, he switched out the empty sleeve for a vinyl of Soulja Boy's first album. What calm chatter there was became silenced - DeeJay K00lKaTt thought it was out of anticipation for the music he was about to drop, but in reality it was because he'd broken the unspoken hipster taboo of breaking out a popular modern "artist."

"This had better be ironic as fuck," one mustachioed lumbersexual stage-whispered to another.

K00lKaTt performed the same stunt he'd done with the first album, now having the two of them dangling from his pinkies. He whirled them into the air, then slammed them to their places on the turntable. The crowd managed a collective wince for the rough treatment of analog equipment.

What happened next was a bizarre serenade between "Sympathy for the Devil" and "Crank That," which DeeJay was expecting to dazzle his captive audience but more had the effect of slapping them around with a moist slice of bread.

DeeJay K00lKaTt did a quick record scratch as the iconic chorus from "Sympathy for the Devil" was just on the horizon - as he did so, a blue light trailed from his finger nail.

Then an explosion.

The ramshackle stage DeeJay K00lKaTt situated himself and his kit on burst to life. In a flash of light, the Rolling Stones themselves erupted as they were in their youth, energetically bobbing and bashing with their instruments.

"Pleased to meet you!" Mick Jagger hollered into the microphone. "Hope you guess maaaaah name!"

"Soulja Boy off in this hoe!" came the unwelcome reply as Soulja Boy too burst into being.

"Fekkin' 'ell!" Mick shrieked.

"Whoa, mang, the fuck is this?" Soulja Boy shouted.

The hipsters just screamed and fled.

The unwanted, unnecessary, double bill swiftly devolved into mad bickering between the Rolling Stones and Soulja Boy.

Keith Richards got bored of it real fast and started wandering around the stage in a heroin haze. Out of the corner of his eye, he spied some busted equipment coated in a strange red goo.

He lurched closer, cocking his head lazily to the side to get a better view. It had to be the drugs, but the red goo sorta resembled a discombobulated person - the body had been torn wide open l like a back of chips.

Keith dipped a finger in the goo. He stuck the gooey finger in his mouth, then swallowed.

Keith turned to yell at Mick, "They made the fekkin' salsa too salty!"

Goat Atop a Windy Hill