He looked so harmless, all curled up and purring in the bathtub. I put my fingers close to his face - immediately, he brushed his nose against them and purred louder.
He loved us. He loved his new home.
Or so we thought.
<CUE THUNDER CRASH>
When we first moved into our new apartment, Jinny got a cat; an adorable one-year old with smooth brown and black flecked fur and the most gigantic eyes. She named him Bambi. You probably know this from the oodles of instagrams and snapchats we deluge the internet with.
He was so sweet when we first got him; I remember the first night he cuddled with us on the bed, purring up a storm.
And then sometime around week two he revealed unto us his true demonic form.
The demon hasn't left us. I miss the facade. I want the first Bambi back.
He's a very playful cat; if he's in the mood and you get too close to him, you're in danger of winding up with scratches. Sometimes he'll be purring on your lap and then all of the sudden he sees your fingers as little sausages to rip apart and destroy.
My theory is that if we played with him enough he would maybe possibly chill the fuck out, but this is impossible because: a) my apartment consists of 4 busy college grads and b) he can play forever. I played with him for like, an hour straight once and he still wasn't done.
I'm a cat person. I love cats. Even Bambi.
But he's evil. And he's taken to knocking things over recently (Jinny and I often wake up in the early morning to sounds of him rattling the bedroom blinds - or getting frisky with Jinny's rack of jewelry).
The vet says another cat would probably help. I believe him. But still. Evil.
We thought that maybe we could try taking him outside on a leash or something and he could get all his excess energy out like that but...
Let's just say we've declared that operation a failure.
I do feel bad, I admit, for not giving him enough attention. But when I'm working on hammering out 2000 words, the last thing I want is to have him leap onto my lap, steal my attention for a few seconds before thinking my arm looks like the World's Most Enticing Chew Toy (tm).
We can't leave plastic bags out - for one reason or another he loves plastic and ripping it to shreds.
I mean come on, he plays fetch with his toy mice! How can you not find that just so adorable!?!?!?!?!?
Jinny and I will be trying to sleep and we'll hear a jingling sound - Bambi leaps up on the bed and it's because he's carrying one of those wand toys in his mouth and he wants us to play with him.
So evil. So cute.
Yeah, I'm a sucker. You're not perfect, don't judge.