I was totally turned into a cactus by a wizard.
I didn't think he would know what a cactus even was, being from like, medieval times and all, but oh my god, he turned me into a cactus.
So I met this guy named Susan. Yeah, like, that was his name. He was wearing your standard wizard garb you know, flowing robe, giant beard, silly pointed hat, you know, wizard stuff - and carried a staff. Hot couture.
He greeted me with some medieval speak. You know - "Hello, yon female - how doth the today? The weather doth be niceth," or something like that.
I told him my name was Margaret and that I wasn't interested in what he was selling, but thank you very much.
I thought this was some sort of scheme to sell me something. We were in a mall. That seemed like something that would happen in the mall.
But Susan kept pestering me about his "GRAND MAGICKS" or whatever and wouldn't leave me alone.
Something about needing to get back to his time before the plague was unleashed and how he was the only one who could stop the thing yada yada I've heard it all before. I dated a guy who was always like that.
But I was curious, you know. I wasn't doing anything particularly important at the mall that day - you know, just getting fired from JC Penny's so that's always fun, and I figured hey, maybe this bearded dildo can give me some amusement. Dildos amuse, let's be amused.
So I egged him on like, "Yeah, psh I don't believe you're like even a real wizard, that's just silly, psh," and he kept insisting that he was and I was all like "prove it" and he was all like "FINE BITCH" though he didn't say that he was very polite. Such a gentleman I mean like really.
He explained in his medieval talk that he was gifted in transformations or like, turning things into other things. So like, just know, I still didn't believe this guy so I was like, "Okay, fine - turn me into a cactus then if you really want to prove it."
He raised an eyebrow, sighed, said some muttered words and tapped his staff on the ground and like I totally turned into a cactus.
It was so weird being a cactus. At first I thought I died or fell into a coma or something, but then I realized no wait, I'm just a cactus. Cuz see - cactuses don't hive eyes or ears and they can't smell so I was kinda freaking out, you know. But I could still feel things and I could feel these odd little spiney things all over me and that was when I went "Oh shit, I am totally a cactus."
I wasn't a cactus for very long, thankfully. I don't know how cacti do it, being all spiky and blind and deaf and unable to move.
Triumphant, mister wizard Susan said that he had done it and that he was in fact a wizard. I totally believed him now. Because I had turned into a cactus.
I asked Susan how I could help him get back to his time and he became downcast and sad. "It doth be most such trickethy a thingeth, my fine Margaret."
He was very sad, and though he was like "It be most imperativeth that we get me backeth," he was also like, "buteth I dothn't know a damned thingeth that could getteth us thereth".
I asked him like what spell he needed to do and he rattled off some "components" to me or whatever. He said he needed stone that glowed and was poisonous to touch.
At first I was all like "Well shit I think we're out of luck here," but then I had a flashback to that short stint I had working at the nuclear power plant.
Oh. My. God.
I told the wizard that we were going to need uranium and he kind of looked at me funny and I rolled my eyes and I was like "Bitch, come with me," I think I actually said it like that.
The nuclear power plant is actually pretty close to the mall, which my boss at the plant always said was a really big city planning fuckup, but I don't get it. All I know is that there are little glowing stones that if you get to close to you will get cancer and die.
Like Steve. That's what you get for fucking Staci. Cancer.
I led Susan though the sidewalks and streets, and he was totally unimpressed by the cars. Mentioned something about someone stealing his idea, but I didn't catch all of it.
We made it to the plant, so like that was pretty good, but then like I forgot that we would also need to get in and I can't do that cuz they took away my key when I was fired. Something something "too careless around the toxic waste." Like, sheesh. Get a grip.
I told Susan that this was the place and that we couldn't get in, but he raised his hand and nodded being all like, "Not to worry, my fair lady," and he did that muttering thing again which honestly is kinda creepy, you know, that whole quiet chanting thing I mean like what the hell.
He tapped the staff on the ground and he disappeared. And I was like shit, where did he go but then I heard his voice.
Oh my god, he turned us both invisible. I've always wanted to be invisible. So that's pretty cool. I didn't always want to be a cactus so this was like at least four times cooler than that.
With our stealth we were able to get around the defenses of the power plant pretty easily. They need to hire better people, like seriously.
You see, there was this really high fence that we were like "shit, we can't get over that," but then like there was a small opening in it for guards to get through or something and one of the guards left it unlocked which is pretty dumb, like do your job, come on.
I couldn't see Susan, but he seemed pretty in awe over the plant, like he was super impressed. All of the glowing electricity and shit. He whispered something to me of that variety and I was like "yeah man, modernity and shit."
I remembered where the untreated uranium was kept - it was pretty deep into the compound, but like no one could see us so it was not a problem.
It was a problem when we got to like the number passcode things on the doors though, and I was like "Shit, they changed the password, that's so smart of them, isn't that smart of them?"
Susan agreed it was smart of them. So he did some magic thingy again and the door burst open.
I could see him again - like, we were visible now. Alarms started going off. I was all like, "What the fuck dude," and he was like "I can only do one spell at a time bro" and I was like, "Shit, we're definitely on camera," and he was like, "What's a camera?" and I was like, "You're dumb," and then like we went through the doors to get that poison rock.
Luckily, there was alike a whole storeroom full of the stuff and mister wizard guy did like a little dance and was like "Fuck yeah," though he didn't use those words.
I was all like concerned and stuff, I was like, "Dude, the guards are going to be coming any second," and he was like, "Don't worry, I'll be done quick."
Just like Steve. Steve was always done quick.
So like, he broke open one of the barrels that the uranium was in and I was all like, "Bro you're going to get cancer," but I didn't say it, I just thought it. He muttered the weird shit again and this time tapped his staff on the uranium and then he was covered in like this green light and then he was gone. I mean WTF, right?
So anyway, officer, that's what I was doing in the uranium storage of the power plant. I was helping a wizard so like it's all cool, right officer?