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Wrenching Yourself Out of Existential Wallowing

Maybe you’ve been reading the news too much. Maybe you’ve come to the realization that you’re wearing the patterns in your life so thin that you’re about to rip right through that threadbare blanket of security you use to get you through the day. Maybe you just saw a homeless man yell at a tree to stop making him pancakes, he’s had quite enough, thank you.

Whatever your reason, you’re here because you desire some solace from existential turmoil. It’s keeping you from really giving those spreadsheets at work what for.

Allow me to help you.

The ennui. It’s keeping you from what really matters in life. The ennui… the ennui… oh… oh…

The ennui. It’s keeping you from what really matters in life. The ennui… the ennui… oh… oh…

1. Watch sheep

Go to a farm for the weekend. Watch the sheep. They graze. They bleat. They trundle about. They look so happy. Take notes. Maybe you can learn from them.

2. Go to a bar

The bar is a place where people search for something to help with what ails them. Camaraderie these people will give you great strength in your existential journey.

3. Order a “Hotpunch Overflow” from the bartender named Lichtenstein

Trust me on this one.

4. Stumble into the bathroom

If you followed step three, then you should feel the need to expel everything from every orifice as soon as possible. This is normal. Find an empty stall if you can, otherwise the sink and a nearby garbage can will do.

5. Let what comes, come

Now is a great time to ponder how little control you have of your life, how little control you’ve ever had. In this moment, your body has taken it all away from you.

This is progress.

6. Go up to Lichtenstein and demand to know what was in the drink

He won’t tell you. But his response will be a good lesson in coping with what you can’t change. I will not spoil the mystery here.

7. Go back to your fucking temp job you fucking sheep

This dread came on because you want to control your life, but you can’t. That’s all you needed to make peace with. Where you are is where you will always be. Now that you have accepted this, you can fully engage with your destiny:


Now get back to it. Staring into the middle distance full of contemplation costs company time. Did you learn nothing from the sheep? They go where the shepherd tells them. As do you. I am your shepherd.

And your shepherd is telling you: Spreadsheets. Do them.


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